Saturday, November 14, 2009

Some helpful hints

Welcome to the (late) Saturday edition of The Bliss Index.

In an effort to help you make it through the rest of the weekend (if you’ve avoided another night in the drunk tank), I humbly present some helpful hints to help you make it out the other side of whatever tunnel it is you’re in…

I know you’re wondering to yourself, “What would happen if the cat got into the microwave?” Let me stop you right now and tell you – nothing good wills come of something like that. I you want to know what else you shouldn’t put into your kitchen zapper, check this out (with video clip goodness!).

"Mommy, how many minutes does it take...?"

You know all that money you took to Vegas and bet on Global Warming? You might want to re-think it.

If you’re going to try and take down a certain former governor of Alaska by picking apart her memoir, you might want to: a.)do it with fewer than 12 AP staffers; b.) find more than 6 inaccuracies/errors/etc., in a 695-word book (some of which are just differences of opinion or matters of degree); c.) actually find something more devastating than the AP did. Twelve staffers to do that? Really? (As Mark Steyn points out, “That's 1.8333333 writers for each error.”

Just because you’re evolving, don’t act like you’re getting’ smarter or sumpin’.

If you’re going to act “holier than thou,” make sure you burned all the porn, first…the porn you are in.

"The biggest mistake" of her life? Make that eight biggest mistakes...

If this guy tells you to get off his lawn, you’d better do it.

For those folks who might decide against buying health insurance, Nancy Pelosi has a special message for you. (I’d like to suggest you do the following: get yourself a shiv, make friends with the toughest guy in the cell block, and don’t pick up the soap.)

"Joey, have you ever been in a... in a Turkish prison?"

If you already have one of the worst movies – ever – to your (dis)credit, quite while you’re ahead. Don’t write another one.

Sometimes I wish he'd just stick to the music...

If you’re hungry, you can’t go wrong with one of these (and you don’t have to be drunk to enjoy it).

Like manna from heaven...

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