Some thoughts on "the Beautiful Game"... and America

June 30, 1994

Why Americans Will Never Love Soccer

By Jeff Bliss

DESPITE THE MEDIA-DRIVEN FAUX EXCITEMENT, we Americans will never go crazy about the game of soccer. And without sounding too much like Joe McCarthy, I have to say soccer is un-American.

Let me explain. Soccer is not about anything Americans appreciate. The very fact that it's called football elsewhere enrages enough red meat gridiron fans to keep soccer from ever being popular here.

First, real football players must weigh as much as an Army tank and wear twice as much protective armor. Soccer players run around in little more than their underwear. Americans like equipment: first-baseman's mitts, helmets, and menacing face masks. Soccer has precious little of this.

Second, we didn't invent the game...so that means it can't be all that great. OK, you think you're smart because you know about baseball's ties to cricket and American football's ties to rugby. The truth is we took these games and improved them. Soccer, on the other hand, belongs to the world (like the metric system).

Suggestions from the United States to modify soccer, such as allowing eye gouging and body slams, have been largely ignored. If it ain't ours and if it can't hurt you, we don't want it. (Suggestions to return the game to its pre-Columbian roots, with the losing team facing execution, have also been dismissed.)

Third, and most importantly, sports symbolize a people. As an example, let us compare baseball and soccer. Soccer is the perfect metaphor for the rest of the world. Baseball, our national pastime, is the story of individuals banding together for a common goal. Everyone has the same chance to be a hero or a goat, and every player has a specialized skill used for the good of the team. Additional examples, like baseball statistics, go on ad nauseam. Believe me.

Soccer, on the other hand, is about a bunch of guys who wander around a field chasing a ball. It's a game of turnovers: I've got the ball. No, now you've got the ball. No, I have the ball. No, you have the ball. No, he has the ball. . . well, you get the idea. We don't like that in a sport or anything else in our lives. We want stability. Also, there's "diving"  (falling to the turf and pretending to be grievously fouled). Actually, there's a lot of diving. A lot. As soon as their team gains an advantage, the "injured" players always make a speedy recovery (the quickness rivals any faith healer's powers).

One more thing. Soccer, played on a field only slightly smaller than the continent of Asia, is ridiculously low-scoring and tie games are not unusual. We like scoring. We like it so much, we made touchdowns worth six points. A total of six points in a soccer game is usually regarded as scandalous (no one ever worries about a juiced-up ball in soccer). I know what I'm talking about. During my short-lived career as a high school and college soccer player, I scored a total of one goal -- just a few short of what most pro players score during their entire careers. OK, so it was against my own team . . .

And please don't mention youth soccer. I acknowledge its popularity -- I played it. But the secret is youth soccer is a conspiracy of parents across the nation: get those youngsters out there running their heads off for an hour or more on Saturday mornings and they're less likely to raise hell around the house the rest of the weekend. Why do you think I made my kids play?

All kidding aside, soccer is a great game.

It's just not our game.

  

(Note: I wrote this piece when the U.S. hosted the World Cup in 1994. A few minor alterations have been made.)

Some thoughts on "the Beautiful Game"...and America

The '94 World Cup that is...

I've been looking for this piece written for the World Cup the U.S. hosted in 1994. More15 years later (especially after watching the final match on Sunday), the op-ed seems to have stood the test of time...

June 30, 1994

Why Americans Will Never Love Soccer

By Jeff Bliss

THE TRUTH IS, we Americans will never go crazy about the game of soccer. And without sounding too much like Joe McCarthy, I have to say soccer is un-American.

Let me explain. Soccer is not about anything Americans appreciate. The very fact that it's called football elsewhere enrages enough red meat gridiron fans to keep soccer from ever being popular here.

First, real football players must weigh as much as an Army tank and wear twice as much protective armor. Soccer players run around in little more than their underwear. Americans like equipment: first-baseman's mitts, helmets, Kareem's eye goggles. Soccer has precious little of this.

Second, we didn't invent the game. OK, you think you're smart because you know about baseball's ties to cricket and American football's ties to rugby. The truth is we took these games and improved upon them. Soccer, on the other hand, belongs to the world (like the metric system).

Suggestions from the United States to modify soccer, such as allowing eye gouging and body slams, have been largely ignored. If it ain't ours and if it can't hurt you, we don't want it. (Suggestions to return the game to its pre-Columbian roots, with the losing team facing execution, have also been dismissed.)

Third, and most importantly, sports symbolize a people. As an example, let us compare baseball and soccer. Soccer is the perfect metaphor for the rest of the world. Now forget about calling me on my xenophobia. Baseball, our national pastime, is the story of individuals banding together for a common goal. Everyone has the same chance to be a hero or a goat, and every player has a specialized skill used for the good of the team. The examples, like baseball statistics, go on ad nauseam. Believe me.

Soccer, on the other hand, is about a bunch of guys who wander around a field chasing a ball. It is a game of turnovers. I've got the ball. No, now you've got the ball. No, I have the ball. No, you have . . . well, you get the idea. We don't like that in a sport or anything else in our lives. We want stability.

The rest of the world, however, thrives on guessing games. Three past winners of the World Cup -- Italy, Germany and Argentina -- are good examples of this. Since World War II, Italy has had how many governments? A bizillion? (I may be undershooting.) Germany can't decide if it loves or hates itself, and Argentina's national sport, after futbol (as they call it), is the coup d'etat.

One more thing. Soccer, played on a field only slightly smaller than the continent of Asia, is ridiculously low scoring, and tie games are not unusual (I bet those guys would hustle a little more if their necks were really on the line). We like scoring. We like it so much, we made touchdowns worth six points! A total of six points in a soccer game is usually regarded as scandalous (no one ever worries about a juiced-up ball in soccer). I know what I'm talking about. During my short-lived career as a high school and college soccer player, I scored a total of one goal -- just a few short of what most pro players score during their entire careers. (OK, so it was against my own team . . .)

And please don't mention youth soccer. I know all about its overwhelming popularity -- I played it. But the secret is that youth soccer is a conspiracy of parents across the nation. Get those youngsters out there running their heads off for an hour or more on Saturday mornings and they're less likely to raise hell around the house on Saturday afternoons. I know all about it -- I'm going to make my kids play it.

All kidding aside, soccer is a great game.

It's just not our game.

Robbed...

Gee, I wonder if this is going to make soccer (sorry, "football") any more attractive to Americans...?

Funny...every time Americans put their trust in international organizations to do the right thing, to exhibit fairness and honesty - it comes back to bite us...

Weekend Wrap-Up: "Business As Usual"

Once again, The Bliss Index©, dutifully provides a weekend wrap-up of news…

So much for "keeping big money out of politics" – Apparently, $5,000 gets you an hour-long breakfast (aka: healthcare shakedown) with Nancy Pelosi…

You know, $5,ooo isn't all that much to pay someone to carry a big hammer around...

And that promise about keeping your own health insurance: Um, yeah, not so much. According to Investor’s Business Daily, “Internal White House documents reveal that 51% of employers may have to relinquish their current health care coverage by 2013 due to ObamaCare. That numbers soars to 66% for small-business employers.” Now is that the Hope™ or the Change® we were told about?

To be expected: From Politico, “Enviros give Obama a pass on spill - As the greatest environmental catastrophe in U.S. history has played out on Obama’s watch, the environmental movement has essentially given him a pass — all but refusing to unleash any vocal criticism against the president even as the public has grown more frustrated by Obama’s performance.”

Remember when the oil clean-up folks said they didn’t know about the oil booms that company in Maine has/offered? Yeah, um, not so much. (They knew back on May 21…)

The president visits the Gulf (looking for some ___ to kick?)...

Add Gulf oil spill fib: According to Powerline, “The administration has decreed a six-month moratorium on exploratory drilling in the Gulf, based on a report that Interior Secretary Ken Salazar wrote for President Obama. Salazar claimed that a panel of seven experts selected by the National Academy of Engineering had peer reviewed his report. It turns out, though, that the seven experts never saw the recommendation for a moratorium, and in fact oppose it.” This isn’t the first time we’ve seen Salazar for what he is…

Last add Gulf oil spill fib: Remember when clean-up authorities promised that"the media will have uninhibited access?" Um, yeah, not so much – Press photo flyovers prohibited; photos in public areas (namely beaches) are verboten; media boats kept away from spill areas; journalists harassed and threatened with arrest. I guess that’s just the administration’s policies on transparency at work.

Interior Secretary Ken Salazar: at least he's getting "thumbs-up" from someone...

Add Obama Administration’s media relations: – After almost a year and a half in office, this administration has surpassed all previous presidencies in going after “leakers.” Hiding something?

I guess they were absent the day they taught about this in Econ 101: “Pension Plans Go Broke as Public Payrolls Expand.” Gee, who’d a thunk it?

From the “putting a (D) after your name doesn’t make bigotry OK” dept.: According to Taegan Goddard’s Political Wire, South Carolina State Sen. Robert Ford (D) was quoted by the Charleston Post and Courier as saying, “No white folks have an 'e' on the end of Green. The blacks after they left the plantation couldn't spell, and they threw an 'e' on the end." Ford, a Democrat, was trying to explain his view that race could have played a role in Alvin Greene's (D) surprise victory in the primary elections since he was the only black candidate in a primary with a majority of black voters.

Add bigotry/idiocy: Looks like former-California governor/hopes-to-be-governor-again Jerry Brown really stuck his jogging shoe in his mouth. Seems Brown and KCBS-AM 740 reporter Doug Sovern bumped into each other while they were out exercising and Brown let loose about his opponent, GOPer Meg Whitman. From Sovern’s Sovern Nation blog – “Brown boasted about his legendary frugality. "I've only spent $200,000 so far. I have 20 million in the bank. I'm saving up for her." It's true - his stay-on-the-sidelines, bare-bones primary run cost him almost nothing, at least in California political terms. But he also fretted about the impact of all those eBay dollars in Whitman's very deep pockets. "You know, by the time she's done with me, two months from now, I'll be a child-molesting..." He let the line trail off. "She'll have people believing whatever she wants about me." Then he went off on a riff I didn't expect. "It's like Goebbels," referring to Hitler's notorious Minister of Propaganda. "Goebbels invented this kind of propaganda. He took control of the whole world. She wants to be president. That's her ambition, the first woman president. That's what this is all about." It’s one thing to oppose your political opponent, it’s entirely another (and intellectually lazy) to compare political rhetoric with the evils of Nazism.

Jerry Brown: what will he say next?

Another reason why the private sector is often a much better choice than the public (government): Costs (duh). According to the Wall Street Journal, “It costs about $12 more per hour to employ a state or local government worker. Meanwhile, a breakout of private workers showed that it cost more to employ union workers than nonunion employees. The largest share of the costs comes from wages and salaries for both sets of workers: 70.6% for private employees and 65.9% for government workers. The rest of the payment comes in the form of benefits. It costs state and local governments $3.16 per hour to pay for employees’ retirement and savings plans, compared to 96 cents for private workers. Another $4.52 goes to health insurance for public workers, compared to $2.08 for private workers. And governments spend $3 per hour for its workers’ paid leave, compared to $1.88 for private workers. Compensation for union workers cost $37.16 per hour compared to $26.67 for non-union workers.” Dear California, now do you understand?

Will this be business as usual? - Because we’ve officially got World Cup fever here at The Bliss Index©, we’ll tip our caps to the U.S. soccer (er, football) squad as it walks away from Game 1 of pool play against the Brits. It wasn’t the prettiest game and the Yanks got lucky with a ball that shouldn’t have found England’s goal - but we’ll take it. Next opponent: Slovenia (June 18).

War drums along the 38th...

BREAKING: From ABC News - "Obvious" North Korea Sank South Korean Ship - South Korean Officials Say North Korean Torpedo Hit Ship, Killed 46 Sailors: "A North Korean torpedo was responsible for the March 26 sinking of a South Korean navy ship and the deaths of 46 sailors aboard, South Korean officials said. Foreign Minister Yu Myung-hwan said today it was "obvious" that the North Koreans sank the Cheonan warship as it sailed near the disputed water between the two Koreas. (Developing…)

ADD BREAKING: [North Korea] accuses South Korea of worsening relations over warship sinking. (Developing…)

Since the cessation of hostilities on the Korean Peninsula officially ended in 1953, the communist government of Pyongyang has been nothing short of a cancer on the world, not to mention its own people.

Time and time again, whether it’s been the proliferation of nuclear weapons, sponsorship/support of terrorism, or numerous attacks on South Korea and its allies, North Korea has shown that it belongs in the Rogue Nations Hall of Fame.

Things are heating up again...

Just a little over a month ago, hours after North Korea threatened to attack South Korea and the United States with nukes, a South Korean Navy Pohang class corvette (The Cheonan), just off the demarcation line between the two Koreas, mysteriously sank.

Despite the south’s reluctance to point a finger, everyone had that same terrible feeling: North Korea must be to blame.

Investigators from South Korea, the U.S. and other countries immediately began investigating the incident. Any accusation leveled at the insane leadership of North Korea could result in a resumption of the war that never ended, and an incorrect accusation would only invite it.

But know we know.

Today in Seoul, South Korea will declare that North Korea was responsible for a torpedo attack on the warship (in South Korean waters). South Korea will formally blame North Korea for launching a torpedo that caused an explosion killing 46 sailors and ratcheting-up tensions “in one of the world's most perilous regions.”

Over at Commentary, Max Boot discusses “The Ongoing Korean War.”

Add North Korea: Is a collapse just around the corner?

If things go bad, the U.S. /ROK edge in technology might not be all that it’s hoped it will be. Earlier this year, North Korean hackers were thought to have stolen U.S. war plans to defend South Korea...

And while it seems ludicrous to even consider, a decision to not provide North Korea with World Cup soccer broadcasts could be a big straw on the camel’s back, “there are some concerns that bickering between Pyongyang and a South Korean broadcaster means North Korean fans might be left in the dark when the world's most-watched sports event begins June 11. 'Because of the strangled relationship between South and North Korea over the Cheonan incident, we have not seen any headway,' said Yang Chul-hoon, a senior executive at Seoul Broadcasting System, which holds the exclusive rights here for the games. Negotiations stalled when the North demanded that the South Korean broadcaster pay for numerous costs, including the right to cover crowd reactions in North Korea. Any broadcast arrangement must also need the approval of the South Korean government, which appears in no mood to cater to North Korean strongman Kim Jong Il. 'We cannot say whether we would approve it or not at this stage,' said Lee Jong-joo, a deputy spokeswoman for South Korea's Unification Ministry." (h/t: LA Times).

Iran continues to dominate the news as it works toward its first nuclear weapon. Al Qaeda (and other terrorist groups) continues to gain notice for their efforts to secure a bomb – dirty or otherwise. But North Korea poses an even greater danger: if it’s possible to have an even more unstable leadership, it does; it’s shown a willingness to attack military, political and civilian targets; and it has successfully created/detonated nuclear devices.

And let’s not forget, it also waged a war against the U.S. and its allies – a war that ended without capitulation and with plenty of talk (by North Korea) that it would one day finish what it started...